I’m starting to realize and come to terms with some of my limitations, and how Nami must have felt and why she may have been so upset. It is hard to admit that there are things you cannot do, and more importantly that it is alright to feel these things. Each day tires us so much, I complain at times and at others worry about hiding these feeling or that we are too negative sounding. I try to pass my disabilities off as not serve in comparison to others who have more visible disabilities, but I’m fooling no one other then myself and doing all parties a disservice. A part of me wants to believe my problems are easily manageable, so that the others including those in my system are not worried about me or others within our system. This type of thought also is fueled by naive concept that if I just work hard enough and think my way through my problems that I can resolve all of them, so that I have a means of control over my issues. I want to help others, but similar to Nami I am not taking great pains to care for myself or admit that my feelings and struggles are valid. Ironically I have invested so much in being disabled, disability advocacy and activism, and yet have been in denial about how my disabilities effect me. It isn’t even that I struggle to acknowledge the presence of my disabilities or that I am in denial about have disabilities, but I am realizing that I do try to deny how they effect me and our system. It is sudden and confusing bursts of emotion like I just experienced right now that really shake me into a sharp awareness that I have major struggles and need support, and need to be honest about these feelings. It awakens me to why we sometimes don’t feel ready to go to larger events, don’t know how to talk to other people, worry about how others perceive us, and to how much I rely on the others support me and how much we support each other in order to function. I need to be better at being vulnerable, rather then seeing myself as someone who is always strong, and who will organize everything all the time and have all the answers.
I’m glad I have Grey present with me and that she is supporting me right now so much. I don’t give her enough credit for having that vulnerability I lack.